


dope

by apolausta



Category: Naruto
Genre: Crack, Dialogue Heavy, Gen, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, K-pop References, both bangtan boys and behind the scenes hahahaaaa, bts - Freeform, but nothing else alarming, lots of casual cursing, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-09
Updated: 2019-04-09
Packaged: 2020-01-07 12:32:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,050
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18410711
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/apolausta/pseuds/apolausta
Summary: that one fic where Naruto starts a K-pop boy group





	dope

**Author's Note:**

> pleae watch before or after for full effect: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQi7mRGVX7Q

Naruto hears a mixture of reverberating base, pumped up male vocals, and high-pitched giggling trickling over from the direction of the living room. Pausing in his preparation of his third cup of instant ramen for the day, he sticks his head out of the kitchen to spot Sakura and Ino huddled around a laptop screen.

“What are you guys watching?” He asks, curious. After their pre-adolescent years, rarely has he seen either Sakura or Ino this, well, giggly.

Sakura replies without taking her eyes off of the screen. “Have you never heard of BTS? K-pop is the newest big thing, everyone and their mother knows about it at this point.”

Ino nods in agreement, her eyes similarly riveted. “It’s the power of song, dance, and synchronized pretty boys.”

“BTS? K-pop?” Naruto pops his instant ramen into the microwave, sets the timer to three minutes, and wanders over. He’s got three minutes to kill, might as well satisfy his curiosity, he thinks.

“Korean pop. BTS is one of the more popular boy groups, they’ve been blowing up recently.” Sakura tilts the laptop so that Naruto can have a better view.

“Huh.” Naruto sits down and watches for a little while before commenting. “Wow, they’re really pretty. And in uniform.”

“You’re so gay,” Ino smirks and ribs Naruto playfully.

Naruto rolls his eyes. “You know I’m pan.”

“Still gay in my book,” Sakura shrugs.

“Sakura, you’re lesbian.”

“Which makes me an excellent authority!”

Ino shushes them. “Hush and focus on the eye candy.”

And so they do. Three minutes come and go. (Naruto’s ramen remains in the microwave, forgotten, an unprecedented phenomenon.)

-

After spiralling down the black hole that is YouTube’s autoplay, Naruto suddenly remembers his ramen, darting up and off to try to salvage its soggy remains. As he contemplates whether or not to eat it (ultimately deciding it would be sacrilege to just toss out ramen, even soggy instant ramen), an idea pops into his head. He rushes back to the living room, ramen in hand.

“Sakura, Ino,” he begins dramatically. “I’ve just had an epiphany.”

-

“You want me to what?” Shikamaru stares at Ino incredulously, wanting to think he misheard her; unfortunately, the (familiar and dreaded) glint in Ino’s eyes says otherwise. Even worse, she’s flanked by Sakura and Naruto, and Naruto looks like he’s going to bust out the fox pup-eyes any second now. Shikamaru doesn’t know anyone that can fully resist Naruto when he’s set on something, which means he’s likely doomed. His sense of foreboding grows stronger by the second.

“We’re forming a K-pop boy group! I’ll handle the costumes and makeup, Sakura will direct and film, and Naruto’s the leader! We need more members, though, which is why we came to you.” Ino smiles, proud and excited.

“A boy group,” Shikamaru responds flatly. “Like the Backstreet Boys.”

“No, like the Bangtan Boys, silly! It’s K-pop, Korean pop, there’s no one way you haven’t heard of this before.”

Shikamaru realizes that he’s in deep shit, but he can’t help but to make one last pitiful attempt to resist. “Ino, we’re not even Korean.”

Ino flaps her hand dismissively. “Oh psh, like that matters. Come on, take this as a compliment! We consider you hot enough to be in a boy group, isn’t that flattering?”

“No.”

“Aww, come on, Shikamaru! It’ll be fun!” Naruto butts in, smiling like all of this was a great idea. This was not a great idea. In fact, this was a terrible idea.

“Naruto, you can’t honestly think this will work out.”

“Why not? We won’t know if we don’t try!” Naruto bounces on his heels excitedly. Always a ball of sunshine, that one.

Shikamaru desperately turns to the one last potential voice of reason. “Sakura?” He asks, voice pleading.

Sakura just smirks back, lazy and dangerous.

“Shit.”

-

“I want it to be known that I’m doing this under duress, and also you guys are troublesome as fuck.” Shikamaru groans as Ino and crew drag him to search for the next member of their hit K-pop boy group. They all promptly ignore him.

“Who else would be good for this?” Naruto muses out loud.

“Sai?” Ino asks. “He definitely has that pretty boy aesthetic.”

Sakura nods contemplatively, glancing at Ino and then behind her at Shikamaru. “You know, I think he’ll say yes.”

Shikamaru just sighs.

-

Sai stares back at Naruto, expressionless. “I knew you were gay, Naruto, but I didn’t think you’d ever ask me to sing and dance for you.”

“I’m not gay, I’m pansexual!” Naruto sputters in response. “And it’s not for me, it’s for our fans! Our hordes of future fans!”

Sakura pushes Naruto aside. “It’s basically art, Sai, aren’t you all about that? Besides, Ino is helping us out and you’ll get to see Shikamaru sing and dance too!” She gestures behind herself; Ino flutters her fingers in a flirty little wave while Shikamaru just stands with his head in his hands. Sai stares at them for a long while, gaze unfathomable. He turns back to Sakura.

“Sure,” he shrugs.

-

“Well that was easy,” Ino comments.

Sakura just smirks knowingly. “I told you. Now, who next?”

“I think Rock Lee would be willing,” Sai comments.

“Sai, no.” Ino shakes her head, pityingly.

Sakura nods in agreement. “I love that boy, but he is not what I think of when I think K-pop aesthetic. His teammate, Neji, on the other hand…”

“Sakura, you’re a genius.”

-

They find Neji and Tenten having tea and snacks at a cafe.

“Oh, is this a date?” Ino asks while wiggling her eyebrows suggestively.

Tenten snorts. “He wishes.” She looks at the group with Ino, ignoring Neji’s offended cough. “What’s with the crowd?”

“Glad we’re not interrupting then!” Ino smiles with glee and turns to Neji. “Actually, we have a proposition for you.”

Neji feels a sense of dread forming in the pit of his stomach. He takes a sip of tea to fortify himself. “Yes?”

Naruto’s the one who replies, hopping with excitement. “You should join our K-pop boy group!”

Tenten immediately bursts out laughing hysterically. “Oh my goodness, this is perfect.” She eventually calms down, takes one look at Neji’s face, and starts again. “Neji,” she gasps out between giggles. “You have to do it, you have to.”

“I will do no such thing,” Neji sniffs.

Tenten settles down, still chuckling, and then waves a hand at Naruto. “Don’t worry, he’ll do it. Don’t let him fool you, he loves K-pop.”

“Tenten!” Neji protests.

“Neji, you know you want to. Don’t let your pride stop you!” Tenten giggles again. “Man, I really want to see this now.”

“Neji, you’re a K-pop fan?” Sakura asks. “Huh, wouldn’t have expected that.”

“I am not! I’ve just...dabbled. A little.” Neji’s face was slowly turning a light shade of pink.

“Oh Neji,” Tenten sighs with affection. “You’re going to join Naruto’s boy group or I’ll tell them about that one time I walked into your room and saw you pos--”

“ALL RIGHT!” Neji stands up, arms waving frantically. “Okay, okay, I’ll do it. Let’s head out.” He hustles the group out the door, glaring at Tenten even as he doesn’t fail to drop some bills onto the table.

“It’s for your own good!” Tenten calls out after them as they leave.

\-  

“Saw you what?” Ino asks slyly.

Neji looks away, adamant, “If you want me to join your group you will never ask me that again.”

“Aww, that just makes me more curious!” Ino pouts, but drops it. For now.

Naruto takes some time looking at the group they’ve amassed so far, and then turns to Sakura and Ino. “You know, don’t you feel like our group’s way too tall, dark, and pale? We’re gonna look accidentally goth, don’t you think?”

Sakura laughs. “I don’t know if that’s possible with you there, but who do you have in mind?”

“I’ll text Gaara and ask!” Naruto declares, busting out his cell phone.

Ino side-eyes him. “Not that I’m against Gaara, the boy’s adorable, but was Gaara really the first person that came to mind when you thought anti-goth? Have you seen how much eyeliner that boy wears?”

“More importantly,” Shikamaru butts in. “Are you really going to ask the Kazekage to join your K-pop boy group? Seriously?”

“He said yes!” Naruto declares jubilantly.

“You guys are way too troublesome. I give up.”

-

“You know, there’s an obvious pretty boy that we haven’t gotten around to asking yet.” Ino says, looking at Naruto and Sakura, eyebrows raised. “In fact, he’s basically the poster boy for pretty boys globally.”

Naruto shakes his head violently. “Oh no, we are not asking the bastard.”

“Isn’t he your boyfriend?” Sai asks, head tilted in visible confusion.

“Doesn’t mean he’s not a bastard!”

“Just to confirm, we’re talking about Uchiha, right?” Neji says.

Sakura nods with an air of soldier who has seen some serious shit and lived to tell the tale. “Certified Pretty Boy™. Fangirl-approved.”

“He’s visually perfect,” Ino sighs.

Naruto elbows her. “Hey, that’s my boyfriend!”

(“Wait, so is he still a bastard?” Sai asks Sakura, confused.

Sakura just pats his shoulder patronizingly. “Oh, Sai.”)

“Just because you two are in a committed relationship doesn’t make me blind!” Ino shoots back. “You should be proud that you’ve tapped that ass, honestly.”

“Stop objectifying him!”

“Oh come on, you probably objectify him all the time!”

“Yeah, but I’m allowed to!”

(Neji, subtly sidling away, is pretending he isn’t a part of their group; Shikamaru has long since started napping.)

“Naruto, you’re currently on a mission to make a K-pop boy group. We’re literally hunting down pretty boys. You have no ground to stand on in this argument!” Ino declares, triumphant.

Naruto splutters. “That’s — that’s not — K-pop is about respect!”

“Uh huh, yeah.” Ino nods sarcastically. “Respect for those washboard abs, you mean.”

(Shikamaru half-opens one eye and groans. “They’re still not done?”

Neji shakes his head in commiseration.)

“I texted Sasuke a couple minutes back,” Sakura interjects casually. “He left me on read, which means he’s on his way here.”

“I said we weren’t asking him!” Naruto protests in vain.

Suddenly, Sasuke is there. “Asking me what?”

Ino pushes Naruto down. “To join a K-pop group!”

“I bet he doesn’t even know what K-pop is,” Naruto grumbles from underneath Ino.

“And why would I do that?” Sasuke asks, eyebrow raised.

Sakura smirks, sly. “I mean, if you’re scared that the rest of the boys will outperform you, we get it.”

“Yeah, yeah!” Naruto nods enthusiastically, hopping up. “It’s not like the bastard can sing or dance anyway!”

Sasuke’s eye twitches. “Dumbass. I bet I can sing and dance better than you.”

“Prove it!”

“I will!”

“Perfect!” Ino claps her palms together. “We only need one more member!”

Somehow, Sasuke feels as if he’s gotten played (but he’ll admit it over his cold, dead body).

-

Sakura taps her finger against her chin in thought. “Who should we ask last?” She muses.

Ino furrows her brows in thought. “Who do I know that’s really, really hot…”

“Shishou is probably the hottest person I know.” Sakura shrugs.

“Tsunade-sama is way too womanly for a boy group, c’mon Sakura. We’ve all seen her cleavage. It’s godly.” (All the boys nod in agreement.)

After a moment, Ino taps a fist on her palm. “I’ve got it. Kakashi! Damn, Sakura, now that I think about it you really got all the hottest teachers, huh.”

Naruto, who had taken a break from the conversation to tussle with Sasuke, loudly rejects the idea. “He’s an old man!”

“Oh, Naruto.” Ino shakes her head. “He’s hot as fuck. You’ll understand when you’re older.”

(“This is not a conversation I want to hear,” Sasuke mutters. Neji sighs. Shikamaru sleeps. Sai sketches.)

At that moment, a thundering sound becomes evident, getting louder and louder as something approaches at a rapid speed. Ino feels a sudden, desperate sense of doom.

“Oh, no—”

“ **SUCH YOUTH!** Do not fear, for Konoha’s Beautiful Green Wild Beast is here!”

Ino facepalms.

-

-

-

(Later, after the resulting video has gone viral on YouTube, Naruto is accosted by Team 8.

“What the fuck dude, you didn’t even think of me?” Kiba shouts. Akamaru barks in agreement.

“Y-you looked really great, Naruto-kun.”

Shino’s sunglasses glint, silent and menacing. Naruto gulps.)

 

**Author's Note:**

> I've had this sitting in my drive since 2017 and now it finally sees the light of day wtf
> 
> (if you haven't seen the video which inspired this, linked at the top — well, you're welcome)
> 
> I should probably edit it and read through it some more but fuck it it's crack. crack on crack. hella crack.
> 
> my outline for this fic was, literally, copy and pasted: 
> 
> \- naruto and his gay ass gets really into BTS  
> \- introduced by sakura and ino maybe?  
> \- gets ino to annoy shikamaru into it  
> \- shikamaru gets dragged along on this quest  
> \- naruto muses about who else to ask  
> \- sakura suggests neji and his pretty-boy aesthetic  
> \- blackmail???  
> \- sai does it out of curiosity  
> \- naruto just straight-up asks gaara  
> \- sasuke is taunted into it  
> \- rock lee just shows up and can’t be persuaded not to do it lmao  
> \- SUCH YOUTH
> 
> \- kiba shows up later is like wtf guys  
> \- why didn’t u include me th o
> 
> ALSO major disclaimer: I've been a fan of k-pop since, like, 2009 (wow I'm old) but mostly girl groups??? don't get me wrong I respect BTS but I don't stan them or anything I'm sorry ㅠㅠ don't @ me
> 
> oh in other news I've done a new Thing and helped beta a chapter for a fic! it's lovely and wonderful (the fic not my beta-ing lol), check out _Echoes_ by 500shadesofblue if you like One Piece <3


End file.
